We have just started into week two of the school year, and I wanted to share what we believe is one of the most foundational habit training aspects of home life, regardless of whether you attend a collaborative school or a full-time school. But this one, in particular, hits home very well for those of us in hybrid schools.
You may be new this year to the collaborative model, or maybe you’ve been doing this long enough that you have already experienced your student pushing boundaries and your buttons at some point (with some seasons being longer than others) when it comes to completing their work at home.
Often, a parent’s first reactive thought to this scenario is, “I can’t do this. Clearly, this type of school model is not working for us because my kid throws a fit or is a grumpy, mean mess when I attempt to do school with him/her. They need to go to full-time school.”
This is hardly the solution! Nor is the type of school the problem!
While there is no morality or black and white statements in the Bible that tell us we should or should not send our children outside of our home 40 hours a week to be educated elsewhere, the Bible does place the responsibility of training and raising children (in all areas of their lives) primarily on the parents.
One of the most common questions we get in our model is, “My child is so well behaved at school and does work just fine for their teacher, but they argue with me, scream and cry, throw fits, or dawdle all day long at home when I try to oversee their schoolwork. What should I do?”
One of the most common mistakes parents make in our model is assuming the above description of a child’s home day has to do with one or a combination of the following: personalities (child and/or parent), the hybrid school model, or the idea of parent being the “teacher.” It is none of these things. The description above is fully a heart and character formation issue. It’s simply coming to the surface and being exposed due to the type of education you have chosen, but isn’t caused by a certain model of education. If you weren’t in this type of education, it would simply show itself in some other area instead. The task at hand becomes addressing the heart and character issue, not switching school models as this simply ignores the problem and covers it for a while. But rest assured, the heart issue will rise up at some point and in some other way. This is not a “my kid won’t do school” thing, it’s ultimately an obedience and character issue.
The follow-up question we usually get is, “Well, what should I do? We love this school and came here for the model and we want to stay, but I can’t endure this behavior from my child any longer.”
The response is always, “You parent this the same way you parent anything else.”
What would you do if your child cried, screamed, threw a fit, refused, or became mean and grumpy because you asked them to put their toys away, fold their laundry, or turn off the television and video games? Would you simply say, “Okay, never mind, we won’t require this of them because they refused, dawdled, or threw a tantrum?” We would hope that there would be a meaningful consequence, administered consistently every time this occurs, along with the requirement to go back and redo the situation as it should be done. We would hope that a conversation about why this kind of behavior is unacceptable, all the while drawing your child’s attention to what lies underneath the behavior and turning them towards a Gospel- and Jesus-centered conversation.
Completing school at home without a disagreeable spirit is no different. We have simply been tricked into thinking it’s different because it’s school. We live in a culture where education and school is siloed from the rest of life. It is the norm in our culture to send children from the ages of 5 to 18 away for 35-40 of their best waking hours to “professionals.” This cultural process of full-time school away from home makes us subconsciously assume that if our child has behavior and/or attitude issues in this area of his/her life at home, that we don’t know what we are doing, we don’t know what we should do, and this whole thing just must not work. And that’s when parents start doubting the process and begin to consider a full-time school placement.
But this is not the solution because the part-time model is not the issue. The homework load isn’t the issue. Being your child’s homeschool teacher is not the issue. It’s just a regular old parenting and child issue.
So what do you do if this describes your child?
Never do school with a grumpy kid!
Action Plan at Home:
For your child who struggles in this area, begin to treat it just like any other discipline situation. Sit your child down (not in the heat of the moment) and tell them that completing schoolwork in a timely and pleasant way is no different than anything else we ask or require of him/her. For example, if you told your son or daughter to go clean your room and they threw a tantrum, dawdled, got under the table, or simply refused to do the work, there would be fairly significant consequences, right? Well, school at home is the same way. We suggest two home day school rules as it pertains to schoolwork.
1) I (mom/dad) will not do schoolwork with a grumpy or attitude-filled child. Refuse to do this. Not only does it allow your child to continue in their sinful behavior, but it ruins peace in the home, puts strain on the parent/child relationship, and brings more stress to the parent. However, you should also refuse to let them do anything else with their time until their schoolwork is done (with the right speed and attitude). When first instituting this, school days for this child will become VERY long, and that is okay because we are after long-term heart change, not merely school work completion. It usually only takes a couple of weeks of the parent standing up and saying calmly, “I will not do school with you like this. When you are calm and pleasant I will be happy to continue.” Then take away all their books, tell them where to sit until they are ready, and walk out of the room. They should not be allowed to do anything until they are done with school. Place them to wait on the stairs or another place where they can’t be entertained. In the beginning, it will make for some very long school days until your child realizes you are serious. This approach sets the standard for behavior and holds them accountable. If soccer practices start at 5pm and they still haven’t done school, they don’t go.
2) Being educated with teachers and peers is a privilege, not a right. The second home day school rule we suggest is that if a child treats their teachers and peers better than they treat their mom and siblings, they lose the privilege of having teachers and peers, and will do their schoolwork fully at home. No campus days. Nothing. You as the parent may now be thinking “Wait, what! This puts more work on me!” And you are right, it does. But if you stick to the right consistent consequences and appropriate follow through, it will get better.
Our collaborative model and its philosophy puts high value on families spending more time together, not less. It highly values the long-term fruit of children who grew up WITH their parents and siblings instead of apart 35-40 hours a week. We believe so deeply in the long term fruit of this model that the solution to the resistance, tantrums, or obstinate schoolwork behavior is not to give them more time out of the home by sending them to five day school, but instead to bring them further back into the home until they can exhibit the proper character and integrity that allows them the privilege of expanding their horizon outside the home with teachers and peers.
Think of how giving your child this gift of integrity (showing up the same way no matter where you are or who you are with) is actually giving a gift to your future son or daughter-in-law and future grandchildren.
This principle of teachers and peers being a privilege and not a right means that if your child consistently loses their temper at mom or a sibling while doing schoolwork, or is consistently grumpy and obstinate in a way they would never be at school, they lose the privilege of going to campus the next day and have to do all that work at home. We know many families who have practiced this and have reaped great benefits, not only for their child, but for the long-term atmosphere of the home.
Action Plan for Campus:
Another large benefit of the collaborative school model is the ability to have a seamless transition of expectations between school and home. Children who struggle with behavior and attitude issues with school while at home often make changes when they realize their campus teacher is aware of their home day behaviors and attitude and will keep them accountable at school. Sometimes a private reminder from the teacher to your child before leaving campus about conducting themselves with mom like they do at school, can do wonders.
We are also willing to collaborate with parents to come up with a good campus day consequence for not completing schoolwork at home or having a bad attitude about it. This reinforces the principle of integrity and expectations- that I’m supposed to act the same no matter where I go or who I’m with.
In cases where the collaborative effort of the parent and campus day teacher is still not bringing the necessary fruit, a visit to the Dean’s office is often helpful. We’ve found that this too reinforces the behavior expectations between school and home when the child realizes that school will hold them accountable to their behavior at home and vice versa.
Parenting is hard and we want you to know that you are not alone! Please reach out if you are struggling with any of these issues at home. We would love to come alongside you and encourage you in this work. When the days get long, remember to keep the long view in mind. Putting in the work of addressing integrity and character, no matter how difficult and time consuming, will be worth it for generations to come.
Galatians 6:9
And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap a harvest, if we do not give up.
